Feelin' kind of blah....

I have been here before. This same feeling of blah. I think the last time was last Christmas....interesting that it's almost that time again.

Cranky. Moody. Irritable. Bitchy - a.k.a Miranda. I was so bad about a week ago I was even annoying myself. At one point I started doing some research on the computer to see what the signs for pre-menopause were. Seriously that is how bad I was feeling.

I have felt this way once before. About 2 or 3 months after I had Max. It was bad. I fought it till he was about 8 or 9 months and finally I just lost it. Realized that I was not loosing my mind but that I was actually experiencing post partum depression. But Emma is now 14 months old - could that possibly be what I am feeling? It just seems to strange that after almost a year and half it now shows up??

I have been fighting myself and have been telling myself that it's nothing. Winter has never been my fave season. I can't stand all the gray and yuck of it so I have been fooling myself into thinking that's what it was. But the last few weeks have been sunny and (almost) 60' every day. This morning I finally broke down and left a message for my doctor.

I am not sure why but I was so nervous about admitting that there might be something wrong. I was so happy she was not able to come to the phone. Really fighting the urge to not just turn my phone off and hope that this all goes away. But I know it won't - I can't physically look at my children and think that I can make it go away. I love them too much. They need me to be happy, and they need me to be calm. Not Cranky, Moody, Irritable, Bitchy. That is not what they deserve nor does my poor husband who I must say deals with me quite well. Really well. How he doesn't freak out on me like I do him I will never know. But I thank God he is so patient.

Trying to take deep breaths and just relax...but I can already feel a little bit anxious about having the "talk" with the doctor. Ugh. Would love to be able to turn my brain off and just run on auto-pilot some days.